The Demon Within

The information from about the Touched By A Horse certification program is extensive. Page after page of criteria, expectations, and expected results literally assaulted my psyche. The super-critical demon that lives in our subconscious peeked over the mounds of paperwork and grinned at me.

"Think you're good enough, do you? Well, I don't. You'll never finish this course. You'll quit, just like you've quit everything else you've ever started. And even if you do finish, then what? Do you think people would actually sign up to work with YOU? You're just kidding yourself. Why even bother starting?"

Whoa. Demon finished pummeling me with a right hook and blew out the door, leaving a large trail of debris as it thundered from the room. I picked up the scattered papers, put them away, and decided to let things percolate for a while. Let's not be hasty.

For once, my decision to stop and think was a sound one. I had to face the demon and all his little friends, laziness, complacency, familiarity and comfort. There they were, lined up across from me, beckoning me to stay with them. This was going to be a tough conversation with myself.

I've spent a lot of my life taking the path of least resistance, and I've had a nice ride - I've got a good-paying job at a company I like, and while the commute is hellecious, 4 hours roundtrip daily, the bills get paid and life is essentially good. Except for the part that was missing. The part where I felt like what I was doing actually meant something.

How much was I really contributing to the world by taking the easy path? Was there any upliftment? Was I being of true service? Was I helping others to better face life's challenges, or showing people how to have hearts that sing?

Uh, nope. I was deploying phones.

And another question - how did I feel about myself? (Lazy, Complacent, Familiar and Comfort all smiled and waved as I pondered this particular point.) The truth? Not so great. I knew there was more inside me than I was letting out. So, how much was I willing to stretch myself to get to the point where I would be of any use to others? How would I feel if I DIDN'T do this, and just continued to coast along?

Look in the mirror sometime and say to yourself, "Let's just coast. Let's stay the same. Let's let someone else do the stretching."

I did something like that. I looked in the mirror and wondered what it would be like if I let this opportunity pass me by. What I saw was the demon, over in the corner behind me, high-fiving its friends because it knew it was going to win AGAIN. And me? The person gazing back at me who looked like me was in agony. No respect. Pain. Embarrassment. Despair. Purposeless.

We must have purpose, or we perish. I knew that this time was different. It was time to take a deep breath, dig deep, and trust that we are never presented with a challenge any bigger than we can handle.

I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say "You're growing, you have purpose, and the more you grow, the more you have to give. I am proud of you. I LOVE you."

Yesterday, two weeks after receiving the packet and reviewing the information, after hours of soul-searching and contemplation, terrified and excited, I filled out the forms and faxed them to Touched By A Horse.

The demon and his pals quietly schlepped out of sight to have a private sulk, and regroup. I have no doubt they'll be back for another go-around. I'll be ready.