Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Confidence, Eluding Me

Why, oh why, is this such a bugaboo for me?

Things were clicking along nicely (as evidenced by the post just before this one), and then I did some research for my business plan on “the competition.” I perused the advertisements in some local horse magazines, and came across someone who is doing similar work. Her focus is not-for-profit, and she calls the work she does equine facilitated psychotherapy. She has a few letters behind her name. She’s been fairly prominent in the horse world around here for a while; even I, who never really did any showing, but who attended my share of horse shows, recognized her name. She has a certification program, and there are some people who have graduated from the program and are listed on her website.

It all looked so official, with lots of confidence all over the ad, and another ad she had a few pages further on in the magazine.

I could feel any confidence I had slowly seeping out of my body and dissipating in the suddenly frosty air all around me. Who am I to offer anything of this nature?

Then I noticed that a few of my classmates are offering sessions or workshops, and .... I’m not. (The power of NO, right?) The seeping started flowing a little more strongly, and before I knew it, there I was, a pool of non-confidence looking for a place to hide so I didn’t have to face myself.

Here’s the real kicker. Locally, there’s not a huge amount of activity around “equine facilitated” or “equine gestalt” anything - the field is wide open. Many of this person’s graduates are down in Portland. And besides all that, my mind knows that there is plenty for everybody, and I celebrate her success. As far as my classmates are concerned, we come from all different situations and walks of life, and some are more ready than others, and some have probably been doing something similar for a while, and yada yada yada. And my mind is thrilled that they are moving forward and being open about it and sharing, and I’m so happy for them. There is absolutely no logical reason for me to have a lapse in confidence.

So what’s up with this? Obviously logic on this subject is being overpowered by some pretty strong blueprints and emotions. I can hardly wait for my next CORE (June 9, Melisa, I’m on my way, and I hope you’ve got my name on a piece of work with you!) to work on this most upsetting of behaviors. It’s time to let it go, and since it’s taken me a lifetime to realize it’s time to let it go, I can’t expect it to happen over night. But of course I do. ARGGGHHH!

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