The Demon Within

The information from about the Touched By A Horse certification program is extensive. Page after page of criteria, expectations, and expected results literally assaulted my psyche. The super-critical demon that lives in our subconscious peeked over the mounds of paperwork and grinned at me.

"Think you're good enough, do you? Well, I don't. You'll never finish this course. You'll quit, just like you've quit everything else you've ever started. And even if you do finish, then what? Do you think people would actually sign up to work with YOU? You're just kidding yourself. Why even bother starting?"

Whoa. Demon finished pummeling me with a right hook and blew out the door, leaving a large trail of debris as it thundered from the room. I picked up the scattered papers, put them away, and decided to let things percolate for a while. Let's not be hasty.

For once, my decision to stop and think was a sound one. I had to face the demon and all his little friends, laziness, complacency, familiarity and comfort. There they were, lined up across from me, beckoning me to stay with them. This was going to be a tough conversation with myself.

I've spent a lot of my life taking the path of least resistance, and I've had a nice ride - I've got a good-paying job at a company I like, and while the commute is hellecious, 4 hours roundtrip daily, the bills get paid and life is essentially good. Except for the part that was missing. The part where I felt like what I was doing actually meant something.

How much was I really contributing to the world by taking the easy path? Was there any upliftment? Was I being of true service? Was I helping others to better face life's challenges, or showing people how to have hearts that sing?

Uh, nope. I was deploying phones.

And another question - how did I feel about myself? (Lazy, Complacent, Familiar and Comfort all smiled and waved as I pondered this particular point.) The truth? Not so great. I knew there was more inside me than I was letting out. So, how much was I willing to stretch myself to get to the point where I would be of any use to others? How would I feel if I DIDN'T do this, and just continued to coast along?

Look in the mirror sometime and say to yourself, "Let's just coast. Let's stay the same. Let's let someone else do the stretching."

I did something like that. I looked in the mirror and wondered what it would be like if I let this opportunity pass me by. What I saw was the demon, over in the corner behind me, high-fiving its friends because it knew it was going to win AGAIN. And me? The person gazing back at me who looked like me was in agony. No respect. Pain. Embarrassment. Despair. Purposeless.

We must have purpose, or we perish. I knew that this time was different. It was time to take a deep breath, dig deep, and trust that we are never presented with a challenge any bigger than we can handle.

I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say "You're growing, you have purpose, and the more you grow, the more you have to give. I am proud of you. I LOVE you."

Yesterday, two weeks after receiving the packet and reviewing the information, after hours of soul-searching and contemplation, terrified and excited, I filled out the forms and faxed them to Touched By A Horse.

The demon and his pals quietly schlepped out of sight to have a private sulk, and regroup. I have no doubt they'll be back for another go-around. I'll be ready.

The Work Begins

Now that I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, I needed to figure out how to get started. Education seemed like a good idea.

A friend had given me a copy of a book that was all about a place down in Oregon called Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch. It's about rescued horses, and rescued kids. For the longest time they were quite unique in what they did, but the more the word got out, the more people wanted to make a difference in their home towns. I went to the website and found out they have a program each spring to teach people who want to do something similar get started.

ACTION: I'm on the list to get signed up for the spring, 2011 session. Information and signups will be available in January. I'm excited!

I didn't just want to help kids, though, and my spiritual orientation is wide open - whatever path a person chooses to get closer to their spiritual self and their maker is just fine with me.

I had been getting daily messages from a place called Touched By A Horse, out of Colorado. When they sent an invitation to find out how to be certified in the type of program offered by Touched By A Horse, it was like a big billboard in the sky with a finger pointing on it was pointing right at me. I dialed into the call, and what they had to offer sounded really intriguing.

ACTION: I requested the info packet, which went into more detail about the program, and what was expected.

NEXT: The packet arrives. I'll fill you in on my reaction next time.

The Opening leads to The Beginning

The prodder was pretty hard to ignore; I struggled to maintain my happy perspective on dullness.

Then I got hit with another whammy - "The Opening". (http://www.settingheartsfree.com/opening.html). See, I got this email from a man who had led one module of a four-day intensive I had attended. The module, and his team, scared the wits out of me; I hated it (and I do not use that word lightly). By the time the module was over I had deep respect for the depth of this man's heart, but I sincerely never wanted to see him ever again. Not long after I returned home, thankful for having survived, he sent an email about something called "The Opening", where you could discover who you really are, and he promised - promised - that it was nothing at all like what I had attended with him previously.

Oh yeah? I was not convinced. However, I also didn't delete the email. Hmmmmm. The prodder and my scary friend were messing with my mind. Or maybe my mind was just ready to be messed with.

As the date for The Opening grew closer, Mr. Scary sent other emails. After the fifth one arrived, sitting in my inbox with the other four, I finally gave in to what I knew in my heart - I wanted to attend The Opening. It was just too intriguing to pass up. However, I was a bit cowardly in that I didn't exactly want to go on my own. So my loving husband and I hopped on a plane for Colorado, picked up his sister, and armed with my family on each side, off I went to be "Opened".

Long story short, The Opening was everything advertised, and then some. I came away from the five days elated, calm, purposeful, and knowing that everyone has a purpose, and tremendous gifts. There was no going back, ever, because to go back meant to not serve. I have discovered that to deny being in service to others becomes more painful as time winds on. And I do have those painful days, when I feel as though I have absolutely nothing to offer that anyone could be remotely interested in. Two steps backward. Who am I, anyway?

Oh. Yeah. The Opening. Now I remember. Three steps forward.

So here I am, at a crossroads in my life. Ironically, I've been in computer customer service for most of my adult career-life, and while it's been good, it doesn't feed my soul as much as being in the presence of animals, and helping people through those gentle, wise beasts. So my plan is to learn a new skill, and with that, get out there and help people find themselves. We are so lost these days; life moves at a tremendous pace and we often fail to stop and smell the breakfast, much less the roses.

Animals have a wonderful ability to live in the present moment, drawing us out of ourselves and our frantic lives, and helping us understand who we really are.

Wow, a little bit like The Opening, only with fur.