The Essence of a Woman

I received an email from my friend Martin Hahn, whose company, Setting Hearts Free, provides an extraordinary journey of discovery that shouldn't be missed. Check out his website at www.settingheartsfree.com.

The following essay totally touched my heart.

The Essence of a Woman

When we speak about the essence of a woman - her beauty - we don't mean "the perfect figure." The beauty of a woman is first a soulish beauty. We know - it's a harder jump to make. Many women have lived so long under the pressure to be beautiful.

But stay with the thought for a moment, because it will really help. The beauty of a woman is first a soulful beauty. And yes, many women live it out, own it, inhabit their beauty, and do become more lovely. More alluring. Your true self becomes reflected in your appearance. But it flows from the inside out.

Beauty is what the world longs to experience from a woman. We know that - somewhere down deep, we know it to be true. So hear this:

Beauty is an essence that dwells in every woman. It was given to her by God. It was given to you.

All around us God's creation shouts of his beauty and his goodness. The way snow creates a silhouette of lace on a barren tree, the rays of sun streaming forth from a billowing cloud, the sound of a brook trickling over smooth stones, the form of a woman's body and the face of a child anticipating the arrival of the ice cream truck all speak of God's good heart if we will have but the eyes to see. The coming of spring after a hard winter is almost too glorious for a soul to bear.

Beauty may be the most powerful thing on earth. Beauty speaks. Beauty invites. Beauty nourishes. Beauty comforts. Beauty inspires. Beauty is transcendent. Beauty draws us to God.

A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough. She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that He finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy and in him, she is enough. In fact, the only thing getting in the way of our being fully captivating and enjoyed is our hiding and striving.

A woman of true beauty is a woman who in the depths of her soul is at rest; trusting God because she has come to know Him to be worthy of her trust.

She exudes a sense of calm; a sense of rest; and invites those around her to rest as well. She speaks comfort; that all is well; that all will be well. A woman of true beauty offers others the grace to be and the room to become. In her presence, one can release the tight sigh that so often grips our hearts, and breathe in the truth that God loves us and he is good.

This is why you must keep asking and discovering the deeper truths of your heart and soul. The whole world longs for the beauty of a woman to be revealed and offered as her greatest gift.
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Thank you, Martin, this is so beautiful!

Impact

It has been quite a month for passages. I received an email the other day from Abraham-Hicks (www.abraham-hicks.com). Jerry Hicks had transitioned to non-physical, as Abraham would say. The message written by his wife, Esther, was beautiful, positive, and uplifting. I cried my eyes out for this man I didn't know, remembering how Jerry and Esther were always "Jerry and Esther", side by side in their journey to bring Abraham to the world.

I will miss seeing Jerry's physical self sitting in front of the computer at an Abraham event, joyously recording every syllable, and asking his own unique brand of questions. He'll still be there, though. We'll feel him, laughing at all of Abraham's jokes, and scooping every soul in the room into his very substantial heart.

Farewell, sweet Willow

Willow was released from her body this morning about 10:30am. She was ready to go; she had lived 26 years, and although she was aiming for 32 for reasons unknown to we mere humans, she decided the time had come to move on.

Before she came into our lives, Willow was known as Sammie and had an illustrious career as a roping horse. Hard work, that, and she paid for it in her body. Her years with us were spent in retirement, the sun on her back, keeping some of the younger horses in line, and being a gentle observer of the comings and goings in the barn.

As she passed, Marieh called out to her from the barn, wishing her winged hooves on the next part of her journey. We will all miss her.

What's in a Word?

EGO. When I think of that word, Freud does not necessarily leap to mind. What I think about is generally negative - "oh, s/he's got quite the ego, doesn't s/he?" That sort of thing, said, of course in a disparaging way.

I mentioned in one of my coaching calls something about my ego getting in my way, and wise Coach Peggy thought about that for a second, and then, in her loving way, questioned my sanity about the whole ego thing.

The primary definition of EGO, according to dictionary.com, is thus: "The “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others and from objects of its thought."

Well, that sounds pretty okay. And look at this definition:
"(often initial capital letter) Philosophy.
a. The enduring and conscious element that knows experience.
b. Scholasticism. the complete person comprising both body and soul."

Whoa.

So, if EGO is the complete person comprising both body and soul, and I say my ego is getting in my way, I guess what I'm really saying is that I am getting in my way.

Gotta think about that.

Wilma as Healer

Beautiful Wilma took my grandaughter, Jayden, and her mom for a little "pony ride" earlier this week. Jayden, who is almost two, has never been on a horse. Grandma's heart absolutely soared when the ride was over and Jayden DID NOT WANT TO GET OFF!

Wilma makes everyone feel safe and loved; what a wonderful horse to have in our healing herd.

You can view photos at www.harmonysheartfarm.com

p.s. I also cannot believe I am actually referring to myself as "Grandma"....

LiLi as Teacher

I have lots of teachers in my life. LiLi, my Friesian cross filly friend, has traveled with me in this life in a number of animal bodies, and is in her latest incarnation as my teacher, muse, and all around heartstring puller.

She teaches me a lesson, and then I read about it in a book. The book in this case is "Midas Touch" by Donald Trump and Robert Kiyasaki. It's about what it takes to be an entrepreneur. And what I was reading about recently in that book, after the debacle of the hoof, is emotional maturity.

Look at this face. Who could resist those big brown eyes, especially when she has such interesting things to say?

I May be Only Human, And That's No Excuse

I had a hard day at work and then tried to change a dressing on my yearling filly's rear fetlock on MY schedule. Of course she wouldn't keep her foot on the ground. Lots of incongruence in the stall.

I lost my temper and yelled at her and yanked on the halter. My husband, the non-horse person, reminded me to step back and take deep breaths. Lots of them.

After I calmed down and finished the job, on Lili's schedule, I begged her forgiveness. Which, being a horse, and a fairly evolved one at that, she gave me.

I know better. There's no excuse. I feel terrible.

Go-Getter? Go-Giver, and Exuberant Proponent of Your Gifts

Our society is obsessed with go-getting, an activity that has people constantly working for, searching after and worrying about the next client, the next dollar. I've done it myself: "How do I get people to come to my workshops?"

Why would anyone want to come to a workshop when it's defined by that that kind of attitude? It's desperate. I've GOT to make it happen. By pushing, I'm setting up all sorts of walls for people to resist. And of course, I didn't want to be shamelessly promoting myself, so there's another wall. Did I like what I had to offer, or didn't I?

My coach said to me one day, after I had spent several minutes moaning about how no one was signing up for my latest workshop, "Have you heard of go-giving?" What? What's that?

Go-giving - the process of opening one's heart to one's gifts and to the world. When I open my heart, in a spirit of giving the gifts I possess to someone else, miracles happen. Since considering and attempting to live from a go-giving mentality, I've had more conversations and more interest in the Equine Gestalt Coaching framework than I've had since I began my certification. The energy is soft, approachable, and open to helping an individual rather than getting their money.

When one go-gives, one can also be an exhuberant proponent of the gift being offered. That movie, "Field of Dreams", said it so well: "If you build it, they will come." Built with love, enjoyed without reservation, and shared with anyone who wishes it.

Amazing CORE

I just finished my third CORE. Usually when I come to a CORE, I blog almost every day about it. This one, however, was very unusual and so emotionally charged by outside factors that I simply could not express my experiences. It is still difficult to do so, and so tonight I'll just provide a quick overview of what happened for me, and in a few days post a bit more. Maybe. Just have to see how I feel about it all.

I coached my first piece of work at this CORE, and it went well. I was happy with the result, and received positive feedback. It feels natural to coach, and that feels good.

I also did a big piece of personal work for myself, coached by my "twin" herdmate. She did an excellent job helping release my inner judge, that nasty little critic that sometimes just won't shut up. The judge can be useful, but like anything, too much judge is toxic. And my little judge pal was being a bit more toxic than necessary. It will be interesting to see how I relate and feel in the world, now that judge and I have come to an understanding.

That's it. Tired, desiring some time to kick back and think about nothing much except turning the pages of a good book.

First Workshop

Last weekend I hosted my very first EGCMethod(tm) workshop at Harmony's Heart Farm. I think it went really well, and I learned so much!

The attendees were all friends. There were no paying customers in this one, and that was okay. It was the first time for "Which YOU Shows Up?", and I was okay with trying it out on my friends. My friends were all good sports, even the ones who originally signed up to be horse handlers, and then ended up being invitees. They all hung in there, through the good and the not so good.

The horses were amazing! Marieh, who has been on the fence about whether or not she wants to do this work, decided to dip her hoof in, and as a result she did a very nice piece of work with one of the clients. The client got a lot out of it, and Marieh seemed to enjoy herself. We will continue to ask Marieh if she is interested, until she gets off the fence and decides whether or not this is for her.

Wilma was her usual calm, loving self. She did an awesome job being the model for the safety demo, and gave excellent feedback to each person who groomed her.

The star of the show in my mind, though, is yearling Lili, Wilma's granddaughter. She is a credit to both the Friesian and Quarter Horse world. This little girl has inherited the best of both breeds. She is sensible, kind, curious, and willing to hang with the humans. She absolutely BEGGED to be part of the proceedings, and as a result, she got a lot of grooming, giving excellent feedback to each of her groomers, and also did a piece of arena work, where she played her part fabulously. She rivals Grandma Wilma in her ability to shine her light and draw people in. I am so lucky to have her in my life!

All in all, it was an excellent day, and I look forward to our next workshop - more on the way!

Risk

I've always been super conservative when it comes to riding horses. I like to do a lot of walking before trotting, a lot of trotting before cantering, and I can't remember the last time I galloped a horse anywhere. I think I may have been around 16. So I don't know who was at the helm of my brain when I trotted my horse full out toward a low-hanging branch on one of the trails in my neighborhood.

Could it have been the person who is evolving into someone else as a result of the Touched By a Horse EGC Method certification program? I can actually feel myself changing. I'm starting to understand that we all have a light that shines, and hiding it under a bushel basket is detrimental to all the good that can come from that light. That giving workshops and coaching people with my equine co-facilitators is something that can help other people shine their light, too. Maybe it was this person, the one who is starting to risk thinking she can have a career that allows her to be around horses and make a living.

However, that person is still reveling in the ability to do anything remotely resembling a risk, and hasn't quite figured out when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em. Trail - branch - rapidly trotting horse. Definitely a fold 'em situation. But noooooo. The branch didn't look that big. I was betting on it being fairly easy to push out of the way as we went by.

Wilma ducked, smoothly gliding right under it. And me? I realized, as it started to sweep me off my horse, that the branch was quite a bit more substantial than I had bargained on. Uh oh. Life began moving along in slow motion as I leaned to the left, hands still on the reins, trying to keep myself within proximity of the saddle and hopefully recover my balance. It moved slower still when it occurred to me that I was gazing at Wilma's left shoulder as she slowly turned in a circle and tried to keep us both upright while I hung on to the reins, and that she couldn't straighten out because I was sliding closer to the ground and taking her head with me. Ground looked pretty close at that point. Released the reins. Horse gratefully straightened out. Boink. Bum hit the dirt. Horse stared at me in relief and disbelief, letting me know that despite me she had managed to stay on her feet, and how COULD I do that to her?

Excellent question, one that I will ponder for some time to come. Was the risk worth the tumble? I was lucky. I have a strong, stout horse, and both my feet slipped out of the stirrups, although finding the right stirrup draped over the top of the saddle had me wondering just how far I'd gone before stirrup and foot parted company. Another lucky thing was that my treeless saddle actually stayed on top of the horse, a strong testimony to the excellent design (www.promisefarmandalusians.com/fhoenixhome.html - tell them Ashara sent you). 

I'm fine, stupid meter working overtime notwithstanding; Wilma is fine, and got a full body massage and shower when we got home (along with countless apologies, again. Thank goodness she loves me). No real harm done. As I said, I was lucky. A small failure in the sensible decisions department, and I live to try again. Kind of like life.

The bottom line - Risk is good; however, make sure you have a clear understanding of the risk before you run at it headlong, and if you're not sure, slow down. You'll still get there, and you won't have a sore bum.

Nothing Happening Here

I wish! Been really busy getting ready for the workshop on August 5th. More about that later, though....

I've been reading Linda Kohanov's book "The Tao of Equus." Fascinating stuff, I highly recommend it for pretty much anyone, horse lover or not. Among many other things, she discusses doing nothing with her horses, as in she just hangs out with them and soaks in life. Through doing nothing, she gained valuable insights and a constantly deepening relationship with her equine companions.

The other day I tried this. I had no idea how busy I can make myself. I've always considered myself fairly laid back, able to avoid doing anything quite skillfully. So I figured, how hard can this be? I threw a bareback pad on my equally laid-back Wilma, hopped on and took her out to the pasture so she could graze and I could just sit there and do nothing.

Except....I found myself getting impatient with how long it would take Wilma to decide a particular patch of grass was eaten enough and move on to another. I started seeing things in the pasture I thought deserved a closer look. I wondered if the fence on the other end of the pasture had indeed been removed and wanted to find out. Hey, Wilma, let's go look at that...

Excellent teacher that she is, Wilma pretty much ignored my attempts to get her to move until I was just so annoying she would shuffle forward a few feet and then quite emphatically plant her hooves. We did this several times until it occurred to me what I was doing. I was being BUSY. This was not the same as doing NOTHING.

I got on Wilma with the agreement that we would do nothing together. She could graze, I'd sit there and enjoy the scenery from her broad back. And then I broke the agreement by trying to move her to (what I thought was) a better patch of grass, or over there to that weed that maybe I could pluck while sitting on her. She was quite content to let things flow. "Busy, busy human, just enjoy the sun and being together and get on with doing nothing!" My mare is always kind with her reprimands.

So I stopped directing, started flowing, and just sat there. I let my mind idle as I listened to the birds, and realized just how often planes fly over our house and disturb the silence. I watched Wilma choose the tastiest pieces of grass and pull them into her mouth, and reveled in the contentment created by her munching. I felt the sun on my back. I guess I was still a little busy with all this observation, but at least I let Wilma alone. It's a start.

Workshop - the eight-letter four-letter word

Remember a while back I was saying “no, no, NO” to doing a workshop? The power of N-O. Begone, workshop, from my presence!! All good stuff. I gave myself permission to take care of myself, instead of trying to please someone else. Totally appropriate, and perfect for where I was at that moment.

Here’s the next chapter in that adventure. A little backstory: My husband’s job was reclassed, meaning that the entire scope of his position in the department in which he works, changed. Oops, not a good fit any more! He is a valued contributor, so the company wants to keep employing him. Unfortunately, this time of year positions that suit his particular talents are still in planning stages. Lots of potential, just not right now. So, since he’s got quite a bit of time in on the job, he’s taking a sabbatical. No money, but he’s still an employee and maintains his seniority, vacation, and pay level. The idea is that jobs will be opening up in a month or three/four/five, and one of them will be perfect for him. This is a rather long-winded way of saying that at the moment, we’re living on savings and one paycheck.

Since our belts have by necessity tightened up a little bit, I offered to miss my next CORE to save the airfare to Denver, if it came to that. Every dollar counts.

Then I reflected a little. I had some stock I could sell to come up with the airfare if need be; that would be easy. I was a little reluctant , though. What if we needed that money for something else, like hay for the horses, or some emergency repair? What else could I do?

Then it came to me (and since you are a smart audience, I’m sure you’ve been there for at least a paragraph or two).

I’ll do a one-day WORKSHOP.

Just like that, my mindset about workshops did a 180. This level of commitment is something I’ve grappled with forever – coming up with a solution that takes me out of my comfort zone, and could potentially fail. The easy out was to use money from stocks and deal with other expenses as they arose. The growth path is just stepping up and doing the darn workshop. It will be fun; we’re going to explore which “you” shows up at work (since we all have lots of roles and masks we put on and take off all day long), and then find out which “you” is looking for fulfilling work, the kind that has you jumping out of bed in the morning, raring to go. Is that “you” the same person who shows up at the office or warehouse or store? The horses are going to have a blast helping people discover their real “you”!

And me? I’ll have a blast doing the workshop!

Missing the Energy

Tuesday afternoon, just at the time our weekly teleclass is scheduled, I was sitting on an airplane waiting to fly back to Seattle. It was the weirdest feeling, knowing that class was going on and I wasn't listening in. This is the first class I've missed. Felt a bit empty not being in the classroom! Looking forward to listening once it's posted on the website, and then notifying Coach of "the word" for the credit!

Second CORE - Day 4 - Sunday, June 12

Here we are, our final day of CORE. It's been a heck of a ride! In the morning there was some time to do a few more pieces of work. There was some unfinished business with a couple of the students, so I told Melisa that if we didn't get to the piece I wanted to work on, it was okay. I was sad to let it go, and also felt that the group synergy was on a certain path, and that path should be completed.

After lunch, we did gathered for a final bit of time with one of the horses, and then closed the day. It was goodbye to this CORE, because there will never be another one like it. Saying goodbye to the container is a little like ripping out all the safety nets we put in place - being out in the "real" world is definitely not like this!

Glenn and his sister picked me up at 4 pm. I introduced them around; there were a couple of herd mates Glenn had not yet met, and his sister got to meet them all for the first time. That was fun, especially since Sis is a musician, and one of my herdmates left behind her rock band when she moved to Colorado. They had a nice connection.

I don't feel as wiped out as I did at the first CORE. Things seem to be integrating nicely. Last time I was a total vegetable. I felt so bad because I spent time with Sis and her son, and we pretty much just stared at one another. This time it feels like I'll actually be able to carry on a conversation!

Spending a couple more days in Colorado and then heading home. I have loved being here, and can hardly wait for the next CORE I'll be attending, in August. Until then, I'll keep the memory of my herdmates alive and well in the very CORE of my being.

Second CORE - Day 2 - Saturday, June 11

Fun times! Day three is when the bulk of personal work is done, and today was a doozy. Lots of Ah Ha’s and realizations, a hip that ached because it wanted to be noticed, tears and joy. Lots of learning. As I watched my fellow students take on the role of coach and deal with whatever came their way, my respect for them grew and grew. For some, it was their first time in the “hot seat.” Everyone’s coaching was an inspiration. I know I’ll soon be in that same hot seat, and I know that it will be a positive learning experience, no matter what it looks like. The container we create for one another is safe and secure. I trust my fellows implicitly.

I had the good fortune to participate in a reflective round pen exercise with Abhain the Gypsy Vanner, who used to be with me in Washington. This was his first day on the job, and what a tremendous job he did! His joy at doing this work radiates from him, along with his love and caring. He has grown into himself in the last six months, and is calm and focused. I was able to thank him for giving me the gift of this program, and he thanked me for sending him to the place he was meant to be, with Melisa. It was a sweet moment, and I so appreciate and respect the fine horse he has become.

Almost all of us went to dinner together, and my husband, Glenn, joined us. We set him at the head of the table as the token masculine energy, and we all had a ball. Talk about appreciation! I don’t know too many husbands who would come to dinner with 10 powerful women and survive to tell the tale! I look forward to being reunited with him tomorrow night. For today, though, it was back with my sisters to rest, rejuvenate, and look forward to our final day.

Second CORE - Day 2 - Friday, June 10

Well, guess what? I woke up, on my own, with plenty of time to get ready and head over to Melisa’s with the other students. Didn’t even need my phone alarm; the sun did a fine job of letting me know when to get my bum out of bed and dressed. All that anxiety for nothing. I have a room to myself at the house, very nice, and my housemates are all awesome, caring women.

Morning was spent talking about temperament, insurance and other business-type items. In the afternoon the real fun began, with pieces of work. I related to all of them. I can’t believe that at the last CORE I thought there was nothing in me to work on. Hardy har har har har! There’s enough to keep me busy well into the next century!

The main event of the day, however, was the graduation of five students. They are called the Mid-Pack, and are the second group of graduates through the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method certification program. It was a beautiful ceremony, and incredibly moving, with a few jokes, and a lot of heartfelt tears. Family and friends watched on in pride as their loved ones received their certificates, everyone had cake, and hugs were happening everywhere. I had the privilege of being in my first CORE with two of the graduates, and did pieces of work with both of them. I’m so grateful I had the opportunity to get to know them, and also another graduate who is in this CORE, and know our paths will continue to cross as the community grows. Ahhhhh, I love this community!

Second CORE - Day 1 - Thursday, June 9

Arrived at my second CORE today. Lots of people from out of town, so Melisa’s place is full to overflowing. I am flowing over into the house of one of the other students, who has generously opened her home to five of us. For my introvert self, this is a bit of a challenge - strange place, new people to meet. Happily, one of my herdmates from CORE #1 will be bunking down in the same place.

Another interesting opportunity has been thrown into the mix. My phone doesn’t work. Somehow, downloading an update to the email application has put it into a permanent reboot loop. Removing the battery and letting it sit for a while has not helped. How will I know when to get up? How will I even know what time it is? Will my phone ever regain its mind? This is causing a bit of anxiety.

The first evening of CORE, we do a check-in and then Melisa demonstrates how to do a genogram. I volunteered to be the client, and we had a great time drawing lots of circles and squares denoting the people in my life, past and present. A trend emerges. Most of my intimate relationships, save the current one, lasted less than four years. It was four years before my mother had her first child, and she has told me in the last few years that my birth was the happiest day of her life, because she craved a child so much. Four years later, my brother was born. My first memory is of being at my brother’s baptismal party, sitting at a table away from everyone else, by myself, eating lobster. I was four years old. Four, four, four, four. Amazing. There’s more work to do around this one, which hopefully will happen this weekend. There were some knowing looks passing between Coach Peggy and Melisa, and of course they weren’t telling.

After that we moved on to a Mandala demo, with a different student client, and then we paired up with another student, and I played client again, building a mandala with one of the senior students. It was a fun time, and I feel a little more integrated into the genogram and mandala as a way to open doors for a client’s session.

A First

I conducted my first session last weekend. It was a practice session, and my husband, who had something he wanted to work on, agreed to be my vict-..., er, client.

One word, grossly overused, but appropriate: Wow.

Even though my skillset and toolbox at this point are pretty slim, there were results, and Glenn said he got a lot of out of it. I can trust my husband to give me a fair assessment of his experience. If I got stuck on what to ask or which direction to go, I just sat there, and in a pretty short space of time a question or direction would reveal itself. I trusted in the process, and it worked!

The most amazing and humbling part, though, was the critical role my beloved Wilma played. She has obviously, once again, just been waiting around for me to get my act together so she could do what she was born for - use her considerable skills to help humans. She let Glenn know when he was right on the mark, and when he backed away or deflected, so did she. And she gave him so much love it was an expansion for all of us on so many levels.

Youngster Lili, Wilma's granddaughter, observed the session with great eagerness. She soooo wanted to jump in and help. Instead, I kept her beside me so we could both watch the master at work. I know she took it all in and has been mulling it over, like I have. This is a filly who learned to wear a halter and be lead by watching the experiences of the other horses.  She is as incredible as grandma Wilma!

This weekend a dear friend is going to sit in the chair, and we are going to partner with one of her horses, who are eager to assist her in her growth. I so appreciate all of my friends, human and equine, who are confirming for me that this is the path I should be on.

Family

My cousin came for a visit over the weekend. We haven't seen each other for about five years, when I visited her at her home in Phoenix. She and my mother share the same birth day, 20 years apart, so there is a special connection between our families. It was wonderful to see her, and to share time together.

What does this have to do with Equine Gestalt Coaching? Well, it was an excellent barometer of my personal growth. My cousin and I are very different people in some ways, and in others we are alike. Kind of like most relationships. Our biggest difference is that she is conservative, and I tend to be quite liberal (I do, after all, talk to trees and animals and believe in fairies and reincarnation). She keeps track of what's going on in the world, and I tend to ignore "reality" and create my own version of what's happening. Neither way is better than the other; they are merely different, and that is where my growth really showed.

My old self would have been bristling a bit at some of the things my cousin discussed and embraces as her beliefs. It wasn't like ME, so how could it be right? There were times when I could feel myself heading down my old, judgmental path. Wait! Let's change this up. So instead of being irritated, I became fascinated. "Tell me more about that," I asked, and gained some valuable insights into my lovely cousin and her life. By listening instead of judging, I discovered depth and beauty and a magnificent, caring heart underneath all that Midwest stoicism. It has always been there. It was my blindness that prevented me from seeing all of it.

Thanks for visiting, cousin, and for being in my life. I love you.

Confidence, Eluding Me

Why, oh why, is this such a bugaboo for me?

Things were clicking along nicely (as evidenced by the post just before this one), and then I did some research for my business plan on “the competition.” I perused the advertisements in some local horse magazines, and came across someone who is doing similar work. Her focus is not-for-profit, and she calls the work she does equine facilitated psychotherapy. She has a few letters behind her name. She’s been fairly prominent in the horse world around here for a while; even I, who never really did any showing, but who attended my share of horse shows, recognized her name. She has a certification program, and there are some people who have graduated from the program and are listed on her website.

It all looked so official, with lots of confidence all over the ad, and another ad she had a few pages further on in the magazine.

I could feel any confidence I had slowly seeping out of my body and dissipating in the suddenly frosty air all around me. Who am I to offer anything of this nature?

Then I noticed that a few of my classmates are offering sessions or workshops, and .... I’m not. (The power of NO, right?) The seeping started flowing a little more strongly, and before I knew it, there I was, a pool of non-confidence looking for a place to hide so I didn’t have to face myself.

Here’s the real kicker. Locally, there’s not a huge amount of activity around “equine facilitated” or “equine gestalt” anything - the field is wide open. Many of this person’s graduates are down in Portland. And besides all that, my mind knows that there is plenty for everybody, and I celebrate her success. As far as my classmates are concerned, we come from all different situations and walks of life, and some are more ready than others, and some have probably been doing something similar for a while, and yada yada yada. And my mind is thrilled that they are moving forward and being open about it and sharing, and I’m so happy for them. There is absolutely no logical reason for me to have a lapse in confidence.

So what’s up with this? Obviously logic on this subject is being overpowered by some pretty strong blueprints and emotions. I can hardly wait for my next CORE (June 9, Melisa, I’m on my way, and I hope you’ve got my name on a piece of work with you!) to work on this most upsetting of behaviors. It’s time to let it go, and since it’s taken me a lifetime to realize it’s time to let it go, I can’t expect it to happen over night. But of course I do. ARGGGHHH!

Understanding the Inner Introvert

“When the student is ready, the teacher appears.” In my case, it has been more than one teacher, and oh-so-subtlely in my face. Look quick, or you might miss it!

At work this week, our wellness team invited in a presenter whose talk was about utilizing the strength of your personality. I was pretty busy, so almost didn’t go. So glad I did! The presenter’s company name is The Introvert Entrepreneur. Intriguing, to say the least, and the presentation was about Introverts and Extroverts, and how we can work with one another better instead of driving each other crazy. Good stuff, and the part that really stuck with me was how Introverts actually make very good leaders, speakers or facilitators because:

We can get a word in edgewise when we’re in front of an audience!

Sounds funny, but introverts are typically quiet by choice rather than because of fear. We process internally rather than externally like an extrovert. As a result, we may seem a bit standoffish or unfriendly, but honest! We’re just trying to make the response perfect, so we’re practicing in our heads.

Speaking of our heads, we introverts do tend to spend just a wee bit too much time in there, enjoying our own company, and playing head games that can stop us before we start. Then we start to wonder if we’re really cut out for entrepreneurship, and before you know it, there’s the fear demon.

Which brings me to my second teacher-of-the-week. This very important learning came to me via an email message sent through Facebook. I don’t know Jason Westlake well, but we had a commonality with another company, and he has struck out on his own the last couple of years. What he shared about that experience totally hit home for me, because I’ve been guilty of all of the things he wrote:

“A key element in my growth was learning how not to be needy. How not to need clients. How not to need the money. Even though I strongly desired to build a business. I used to say “I’m available 24/7 for coaching. I’ll lower my price. I'll barter. I’ll coach anyone on any problem you have. Sure!” What I was really saying was “I’m really needy” and “I’ll bend over backward if you'll just give me money.”

Nothing repels clients like neediness. Nothing attracts clients quicker than confidence and service. I struggled to let go of my client and money neediness. With practice, I slowly built my confidence and let go of my neediness over time.”

I am still struggling to let go of my neediness and build confidence. What I am confident about is that as I continue through the TBAH certification program I will be doing lots of pieces of work around these two subjects, and breaking through a lot of the barriers that have kept me from success in the past. I can feel it, somewhere between the knots in my stomach .

Here’s one more little nugget from Jason (you can find him on Facebook – Jason Westlake, Taipei, Taiwan):

“I used to fret before every phone call and stutter during conversations. I used to try to explain the benefits of my coaching. Getting clients felt salesy, and it felt hard.

But then someone told me that sales conversations should be very natural. So natural that it should feel just like a coaching session. Instead of selling, I began to just coach people while in conversations. I would listen. I would be deeply interested in them. I would really serve them and make a difference for them.

And I was shocked how naturally clients came to me after that. I didn’t have to sell. I just coached them, and they wanted to become clients.”

Be authentic. Be you. Be in Service, with Heart. Doesn’t get any better than that.

The Power of No

A lot has been written about the power of YES, and it is powerful indeed. But what about the power of NO?

Remember that workshop Coach Peggy suggested I do this summer? Good things happened because of that suggestion, good growth for me, AND I’ve been stressing about it since she mentioned it to me. I had a massive panic attack, and couldn’t figure out why, until I realized it all had to do with the workshop.

I didn’t feel ready. I’ve been to only one CORE, so I don’t even know how to ask questions yet! I don’t have a lot of things in place, like insurance, or a place to hold the workshop if it’s raining (and we all know it NEVER rains in the Pacific Northwest, right? No, only for a few months out of the year. The rest of the time, it drizzles). But Coach Peggy said I should do a workshop, so dangit, a workshop I would do!

Except....Peggy never said I had to do it; it was a suggestion. A suggestion. I discovered in that moment that I have interpreted others’ suggestions as directives for pretty much my entire life. What an eye opener!

Then I figured out I didn’t have to say “yes” to this suggestion. Instead of saying “yes” to something that was causing me massive anxiety and panic, I could say “yes” to my inner knowing. I will know when I’m ready to take whatever next step is awaiting me. I’ve done it many times, and been successful. So in this case, I chose to say “No. Not yet.”

I cannot tell you how much better I felt the moment I uttered those words. I did say them out loud. There wasn’t anybody around, but it didn’t matter. Saying them out loud seemed the thing to do.

So a workshop is in the offing, but it may be a bit further out than this summer. When I do it, I’ll have a teeny bit of excited anxiety, and a whole lot of fun. And so will the attendees. Win-win all the way around. I like that!

Inspiration

Over the weekend, my beloved and I watched the film “The King’s Speech.” I was transfixed.

All through the movie I watched Lionel Logue, the speech therapist played by Geoffrey Rush, creatively work with his client. I loved his uncompromising, heart-based insistence on equality. I felt it wouldn’t have mattered whether the client was a duke or a dustman, Mr. Logue as portrayed in the film would have treated each of them the same. It was a wonderful lesson in how quiet confidence and listening, then working with the client, and yield incredible results. Mr. Logue had some great tools in his toolbox, and by trying them out and seeing what worked, then going back and trying again, his client found his voice.

I was totally inspired. What a great metaphor for the work I’ll be doing with my equine friends! I’m putting this film in our library, so I can pull it out and watch it whenever I feel stuck, or like I don’t know what I’m doing, or if I think I should just give up.

None of Us Walk Alone

Last time I blogged, I was panicking about doing a workshop. Remember that? Frozen brain, scared motionless, looking for any available exit. That was me.

After my brain unfroze, it blanked out. I knew I had heard all sorts of great workshop ideas at CORE and in our teleclasses, but could I remember any of them? Uhhhhh, nope. Looking through my copious class notes wasn't much more of a help. Lots of good info, just nothing about cool workshops I could try.

Then two very interesting things happened.

Thing 1: I had an idea, and for me, coming from a family who never wanted to be beholden to anyone for anything, this was incredibly radical thinking: What if I ASKED my herdmates for a suggestion or two? So I did.

The response was exactly what I needed. A couple of people offered up ideas, and the rest of the responders offered up - encouragement! This felt soooo good! I felt like I had a lot of very wonderful individuals behind me, pulling for me, wanting me to be successful.

Thing 2: I got a call from one of our soon-to-be-graduates, and she reminded me of something else.

I'm not in this alone.

You might think that getting encouragement and suggestions from the herd implied that I wasn't in it alone, and that is true. But what she was talking about was a little bit different. It was more about inner guidance; the unseen, unknown Something that binds us all together, and is with us always. I've always known this intellectually. But for some reason, when my herdmate friend offered me this knowing, it finally, finally fell into place. Oh. Yeah. I'm one piece of a very big puzzle, and we are all interconnected, interlocked, and what a beautiful picture it makes!

My part of the design involves doing a workshop or two this summer, and with the suggestions from my herdmates, which sparked some ideas of my own, and the knowledge that what I do is really quite a bit bigger than me and I'm just the tip of the iceberg, I'll be able to pull it off. I'm actually starting to get excited about the idea of a workshop!

Two little things - but together, they have made a universe of difference!

You want me to do WHAT?

Coaching call on Tuesday. Everything's going along swimmingly. We're talking about the business plan, and how it's time I really get on it for the website, books I've been reading, etc. And then, Coach Peggy says "You know, Ashara, you don't have to wait to be certified to do some workshops. You just say you're a student. I think you should consider doing a workshop or two this summer."

Gggaaaaaaaaaaaaak. You know the sound a cat makes coughing up a furball? That's pretty much what went on inside my panic-stricken mind.

Much later, when the call was over and I stopped hyperventilating, I really got worried. What about business cards? What about insurance? The customer database? I think I've got maybe two people who said I could add them to the (currently non-existent) database. Two of my three healing herd horses require some serious lessons in manners before they would be safe around non-horse people. What do I have a workshop ABOUT??? I'm an INFP, for cryin' out loud!

Can we do workshops by mail?

The gauntlet, however, has been tossed. I hate it when that happens, because it means it will sit there, on the ground, staring at me until I pick. It. Up. I find it incredibly annoying when inanimate objects stare.

Stay tuned for the next thrilling installment of "Ashara steps waaaaay out of her comfort zone."

Heart Burn

Things happen for a reason. That’s why I wrote about our mare losing her foal. I never saw the foal, James, when he was alive, except for his forelegs. I felt up along his legs and touched his body in an effort to find his head and get it turned so he could be born. And while we waited for the vet, I stroked those little legs and somehow, we bonded.

I didn’t realize how strong that bond was until yesterday. I thought I had had my good cry and was doing fine. Until I talked with an almost-stranger about the event, and started losing it in front of her. She, wise woman, understands about broken hearts. I don’t think I really did until that moment, and that I had spent a lifetime keeping my heart hidden from myself, and from others.

The short time I spent with James ripped my heart from my chest and opened it wide to every person, every animal, every relationship I had ever lived. It HURTS when one trusts another’s words and the other changes their mind, or their life changes, or they go away. I never realized how my unthinking tromping had affected the beings I let go. When that love is real, it burns. It scorches, and in the end, it tempers one, if one is paying attention, into a better person. I’m finally paying attention.

Oh, yes, James did a huge piece of work with me in his short little life. There is NO WAY I could do the work I’m planning to do without having walked this path with him. I know there is more scorching and burning ahead before he and his mother, Marieh, are through with me, and I will go willingly, knowing that these are lessons I need to learn and embrace. Why did I name my company Harmony’s Heart if I was not willing to pay that price?

Heart wide open.

Leadership

This week’s training call was all about Leadership. How to coach a workshop about leadership, and how to be an effective leader. Cool, one of these is great as income for my career, and the other one? Also great for my career, and something I need, in spades! Guess I should learn it before I try to coach someone else, eh?

So, I decided to do some leadership learning with my healing herd, to see what my skill set looks like.

The reviews are mixed.

Wilma, my stalwart, best friend Friesian, with whom I’ve spent a long time building a relationship, definitely has a mind of her own. Mares can be like that: Opinionated. I love that she has ideas, so we’ve done a fair bit of negotiating over the years. Last night, though, I thought I’d see what she’d do if I interacted with her from my third chakra, that of will and determination. What would she do if I asked her to just trust me this once?

I took her for a walk. And aside from a couple of early attempts to stuff her mouth with tasty grass, she just followed along. Walked when I walked, stopped when I stopped, turned around when I said it was time. Wow. Is this the same horse who can’t go 20 feet without asking to nibble on the scenery?

After Wilma was groomed, treated, and released, I turned my attention to Zimi, who has only been in the herd since October, and spent the first 9 years of her life running essentially wild with a band of broodmares who were only handled when being bred, getting shots, or giving birth. Wild band of broodmares. It sounds like they rode motorcycles and terrorized the neighborhood. Not so, and Zimi, despite minimal handling, is very sweet and starting to believe that the sight of a halter and lead rope could be a very good thing.

Except yesterday. She was halfway across the pasture and when she saw me standing at the gate, halter in hand, she starting looking for an escape. As an experiment, I started walking toward her, not really looking at her, just walking.

She’s very pretty when she runs.

Obviously this mare isn’t ready to trust me, even though nothing bad has ever happened when I’ve put the halter on her. She usually gets groomed (which she loves) and schmoozed on, and then let go. Sometimes we’ll do a task or two, like leading for a minute, or a little back up. I just don’t do it very often, or very consistently. Lots of horses, minimal time, and Zimi has kind of been at the bottom of the list. It shows.

If I want her to follow, I have to exhibit good leadership. I have to be consistent. I have to be there. I have to take an interest in her, and listen closely to what she’s telling me. That all takes time.

The horse with which I’ve spent the most time knows she can depend on me as her leader. For the other, the jury is still out, and it will take consistency, love and commitment to reach that level of trust with her. I need to be patient, with her, and mostly with myself and the process, because it doesn’t happen over night. And this learning translates directly to my business and my clients. Good stuff!

Sweet Baby James

It has been a very long day. Early this morning, our Friesian mare, Marieh, went into labor. It was her first foal. Because the Universe is so very generous, we were leaving for work late and saw the beginnings of the labor. Excited, we changed our plans for the day, anticipating hours of getting to know the newest addition to our herd.

It took us only a few minutes to realize the Universe had been generous because Marieh was in trouble. There was only one hoof. I quickly called the vet, who listened briefly and headed out her door. She would call back shortly to give us an ETA and get another update.

When I looked again, there were two feet. Two feet, but no nose. There should have been a nose, with the length of leg that was sticking out. I reported to the vet; she told me it was time to get my hands in there and see if I could feel the baby's head, and if possible, to gently assist when Marieh pushed. It would take her about 45 minutes to reach our place.

It's amazing what can be done when it's necessary. Marieh needed help. I had absolutely no idea what "get in there" even meant, and my hands were shaking, but I put on a pair of gloves, rolled up my sleeves, and gently dove in with one arm. There were the knees; further along, after some effort, I found a shoulder. But no neck, no head, no soft nose reaching for the light. This was bad.

My husband, Glenn, stayed at Marieh's head and soothed her. I was with the baby, holding and stroking his legs, telling him how he would definitely have no problem with people picking up his feet after this, and to hang in, everything would get sorted out. Now and then his feet would move as though he was trying to come out. Marieh would push; I would gently encourage forward movement. I made a few more journeys into the birth canal, and finally did feel something that felt like it might be the base of his neck, but it was twisted back.

Time passed. I stroked and crooned to the foal; we listened to the birds together. I told him over and over how incredibly beautiful he was. The little spark that was him got dimmer; I could feel it hanging on by threads. He still tried, though, every now and then, to be born.

Dr. Meg arrived and quickly took over. She tried everything she could to find the foal's head, and was in up to her shoulder, and still, nothing. She was so sad when she told us we were at the point where in order to save Marieh, we would have to let the foal go. I told her to go ahead, and as she broke the amniotic sac the baby's light faded from the body.

After trying again to remove the foal, we all knew we needed help, so Dr. Meg referred us to Pilchuck, a premiere veterinary hospital north of Seattle. It's a two+ hour drive from our house to Pilchuck, so Dr. Meg made Marieh comfortable with sedative and pain killer, and off we went.

The traffic gods were with us; we made the journey in record time, and the Pilchuck vets leaped into action. They anesthesized Marieh to see if they could then remove the foal once her body was completely relaxed. Unfortunately, even they could not find the head, so Marieh headed into surgery for a C-section. The foal was successfully removed and Marieh went on to the recovery room, when she slept for a very long time. At last report, she was on her feet, and looking like she had had a rough day, but doing all right.

The vet at Pilchuck told us that the baby's head was completely twisted back along his body, and it may have been that way for a while, as his jaw was slightly deformed. He was a good-sized fellow, even though his due date was still two weeks out, and it was crowded in there. There was nothing anyone could have done; everything looked normal on the outside until the moment of birth.

If Glenn and I had left for work at our regular time, this could have easily been a double tragedy. My husband and I believe that everything happens for a reason, even when the reason eludes us. The dance among Marieh, sweet little James, and us, has significance on levels we may not even realize for weeks or even years. Right now we are just so happy that Marieh is still with us. We mourn the loss of her absolutely beautiful son, and we know his spirit joyfully continues on.

We can't say enough good things about the vets at Pilchuck, and especially our local vet, Dr. Meg. Thank you all for being part of this process.

Now THAT's What I'm Talkin' About!

The TBAH Certification Program training call this past Tuesday was about Facilitation. This is a big subject, and very fascinating.

I'm not going to go into any detail, but I HAD to share - at one point, Melisa said (and I'm paraphrasing) that when we are going to do a session or a workshop, we can plan what we think will happen, especially if it's a workshop and has a theme, but it's best to have....NO PLAN!

Woo HOOOO! At last! A job I can do that doesn't require a script, or scheduled things to do! I need knowledge, yes, and experience, absolutely, and an open heart and mind, and a toolbox full of goodies to draw on. But I don't have to know what I'm going to do before I do it. Just flow, and the perfect thing for the client, the workshop, and the moment will reveal itself.

Ahhhhhhhhhh. My seat-of-the-pants is already loving this work!!

You don't have to be on the Team to be on The Team

Since returning from CORE, I've wondered. Are any of my interested in coaching with me? I have five beautiful mares. I would love it if they all wanted to join me, AND I want to respect what they want to do with their lives. So the other day, I asked the question:

"Who wants to be in the Healing Herd for my new business?" and sent a picture of what that work would look like.

Three hooves shot into the air. No hesitation at all from these three. Wilma, of course, my sweetheart, the patient earth-mother, nurturing head-of-the-herd. Lili, her yearling granddaughter, who came back in horse form just so we could walk this path together; my beloved button-pusher and muse. And Zimi, Lili's mama, who spent 9 years being in a herd and making babies, and is now ready for the next step in her evolution. Why someone didn't scoop up darling Zimi and shower her with the love she deserves before this is beyond me.

No, wait a minute. It's not beyond me. It's because HER journey was to be right where she is right now. Lucky me!

Two of the mares are opting out at this point, and that is fine. Willow is 26 this year, has been there and done most everything, and is feeling like she would just like to "be" for now. Marieh, a gorgeous Friesian, will soon be a mama herself, with her first (and probably only) baby, and then wants to be a dressage horse. This will be interesting because she belongs to my husband, Glenn, and he doesn't ride. Marieh picked him out, and it was love at first sight for both of them. He admires, schmoozes on, and loves his pretty horsey, and she eats it up.

But get this. Glenn was grooming Marieh yesterday, and she stood absolutely still for him, just enjoying the time. He said he was in the moment, grooving on how beautiful she is, and just "being", and then he started thinking about something not quite so pleasant, and getting himself spun up about a situation over which he has no control. About that time, Marieh got a bit restive and, raising her tail, gave him a rear-end raspberry. Glenn laughed, remembering my story from CORE. He got his thoughts back on track. Marieh settled down.

Even if a horse doesn't raise it's hoof to formally do the work, they are always working with us. All we have to do is pay attention. Way to go, Marieh, thanks for the reminder! And we'll find you a good partner for "doing dressage."

The Little Girl in the Yellow Dress and White Pinafore

Sunday, March 27: Last day of CORE. I’m all packed and my room is cleaned up. A fellow student has offered to take me to the airport later on. It has been quite a journey!

We’ve done a lot of work in the last couple of days, a lot of pieces. As we wind down, a soon-to-be-graduated Coach takes the facilitator seat and offers to do a piece with me. She had worked with me on a geneogram on the first evening, and an interesting bit of information had bolted from my mouth just as we were finishing up:

“I’ve always been terrified of dying.”

If that isn’t every coach’s idea of a riveting subject, I don’t know what is. The reasons for fearing death are endless. Yum, yummy, YUM.

So we sit across from one another in the plastic chairs, with QT, a massive former stallion, pacing in the round pen next to us. The fact that QT is to be my equine partner in this piece isn’t lost on me; I had confessed to being intimidated by him shortly after watching him stalk into his stall on Thursday evening and look me up and down as though I was his personal plaything - and maybe not in a good way.

Coach starts asking questions and we dialogue for a while. I’m awfully calm about this dying thing, smiling even. Truth is, I’m smiling because I’m hanging real tightly onto myself. I don’t want to start blubbering when we’ve barely gotten started.

A lot of things are discussed, dialogues played out, and somewhere in all of this it becomes not so much a fear of dying as a fear of the unknown, for when I look at the vast expanse that is “over there”, it is beautiful, and the love I feel from it is overwhelming. THAT is what is so scary; opening my heart to that abundance of love and accepting it.

QT whinnies and lets us know he is ready to do some one-on-one. He’s also connected, and he wants to be part of the adventure!

I get up, take a deep breath, and with Coach clearing the way (as QT is right at the gate, so eager is he to help), I move to the center of the round pen and wait. QT checks me out from a distance and then moves in. He snuffles my hair and puts his lips on my neck. I just stand there. He is huge, and the love he is giving me, just like I felt from the vast expanse, is overwhelming.

Coach asks me to become a little girl, and to move around the round pen, being the little girl. So I start to walk around, and do a little sing-song, and QT comes right along, and then I start to dance, feeling the hugeness of love expand within me, turning in circles with my arms out wide, and grinning, and inviting this big horse to join me in the fun. QT watches with a bemused expression on his face, as though he’d like to dance, but isn’t certain which of his front hooves goes around my waist. At one point, he moves from side to side, as though matching my movements.

I feel the vastness of love sending me to a more and more joyful, childlike place. I drop to my knees, little girl like, and invite QT to me. I’m tiny. He’s immense. Slowly, he walks over and brings his head down to my level. It is a sweet, sweet moment with this monumentally confident and loving horse. When I let go of worrying, and just bask in the beauty that is in all of us, it is a feeling without measure. Total JOY. Anytime I feel fear, I can go there, being in the moment, in the love, and know that no matter what, all is well.

Ahhhhhhh.

The Dinner that became a Master Mind

Since I'm in Colorado at CORE and my sister-in-law, Danae, lives just a hop-skip-jump away, we made arrangements to meet for dinner on Friday night at a local Japanese restaurant. The timing was perfect; I had just completed my first client experience and was pretty much babbling. With D and her wonderful friend, Allison, we planned a nice evening of playing catch-up and just having a fun girl's night out.

Well, things don't always go as planned, and our little girl's night out turned into much, much more - and it was major FUN!

D and Allison have been entrepreneurs their entire careers, and I'm moving in that direction after too many years to count in the corporate world. So we started riffing about our different businesses and what works and what doesn't, and pretty soon, without even trying, we all started channelling master marketeers and were bouncing ideas off of one another like ping pong balls.

Man, we were on a roll! By the time we were done, we all had ideas for providing our customers with value for their interest, free gifts, new ways of presenting our products, and I think somewhere in there we may have even solved a couple of the world's ills.

I don't know what was in the Sushi, but I'd like another helping, please!

Ima Client Today

What a day! I can't remember when I was at an event where I didn't know what time it was and didn't care, because there was such a plethora of riches to savor and enjoy!

The day began with some review, and then in the afternoon we did our first pieces of work. We did a group session which involved a horse and some drawing. Sounds trivial, but nothing about this course is trivial, believe me. Suffice it to say I connected myself with a horse and was hard at work doing the assignment. At first the horse was interested, and even helped me a little bit, chewing the edge of the paper and making his own mark. However, as I continued to color and draw he quite pointedly turned away. His tail gently raised, and the familiar odor of passed gas wafted by my nose. Well, that was an interesting response from my assignment buddy....

His interest was renewed when my mind went on a tangent and started thinking about a fellow participant. She had left a corporate job and was currently pursuing her passion. 'How did she do that?' I wondered. Shadow wondered right along with me, while I wrote the word Courage a few times on my paper. However, when I started drawing little gold hearts on the page, he once again turned away and gifted me with a rear-end raspberry.

Geeeeez.

After the session was over and we had given our feedback, it was time for one of the more experienced students to do some coaching. Any volunteers? My hand shot up. I really wanted to know what was up with Shadow and his editorial hindquarters.

Coach and I reviewed my drawing, me talking about connection and not being able to have the courage to take the next step in my career by myself, blah blah blah. Shadow, in the round pen, had his back turned during my explanation. We seemed to be getting nowhere in terms of coming to any conclusions. Coach asked if he could touch my drawing, and he held it toward me and asked me what I saw. I pondered for a bit and knew there was something not right but wasn't finding the words to verbalize the discomfort I felt as I looked at all the pretty hearts. Finally, a couple of syllables escaped my lips and immediately tried to shove themselves back down my throat. Coach, though, was quick. He encouraged me to continue, and I blurted out "The colors are all wrong and the whole thing just doesn't feel right." Wow - I had just called a rear-end raspberry on myself! Shadow, of course, had known all along the picture was cow dung.

I was then invited into the round pen with Shadow, and what ensued was my first real taste of the power of an equine healer. Shadow stayed out of my way until I hit upon my truth and everything that my heart had been trying to tell me, and then he joined up and walked with me around and around the pen, gaining momentum with every step. In my vision, I give people, especially women, their voices back. Me and my equine counterparts, we assist people in finding their power, to discover what is best for them and then to effectively communicate that, to say out loud what is their heart's desire. And they do this in a way that is harmonious for everyone involved, from their authentic, loving, heartfelt self.

What a day!

Colorado and CORE, Day 1

Phew, what a day! I was excited about getting to Colorado and starting my first CORE. An interesting phenomenon occurred: I felt kind of spacy, and I noticed that I was really "vibrating". It was almost the shakes, but not quite. Another student remarked on the same thing happening to her today. Fascinating!

The trip to Colorado was uneventful, but I'll tell you what. A carry-on bag that goes into the overhead bin is a monumental pain in the bum. I had to put my bag up a couple rows behind where I was sitting, so of course when we were deplaning it took some time to get it, and had to be passed over the heads of a couple of passengers. I thought it was pretty amusing, but no one else was smiling. Guess they just wanted to get off the plane! It seems the world is becoming quite a grim place - or maybe I just have a totally twisted sense of humor.

Kelly from Touched By A Horse picked me up at the airport, and what a pleasant trip it was up to the ranch! Kelly was in the Navy, so of course I told him about my stepdaughter, Hilary, who is serving right now, and we talked about all manner of things. I felt so at home with Kelly, and can't thank him enough for being so open and caring and helping me feel like one of the gang.

I'm so glad I decided to bring lots of layers! Earlier in the week, the weather was predicted to be sunny and in the high 50's, but in typical mercurial Colorado style, somewhere along the line that changed to cold and maybe even a little snow. Brrrrr! Lots of dark clouds and dramatic weather this evening - it was GREAT after the dreary day-after-day rain of a typical Northwest winter!

There are eight participants in this weekend's CORE, a wonderful number. It provides us with a little extra time to get things done, which means we get to start a little later for a couple of the days - woo hoooo! After getting up at 4:45 am every morning, just the thought of sleeping in until 6 or 7 is a total treat!

This first evening was a checkin and then we did a couple of exercises, learning a couple of the tools for our toolbox. I got to be the client for a couple of more seasoned students, and it was a wonderful experience. Lots of things around fear came up for me. It will be interesting to see how they play out over the weekend.

Time to settle in for the night, call my beloved, and then get some shuteye. It's great to be here!

CORE!!

Been crrrazy busy the last couple of weeks, and now, suddenly, it is time to fly off to Colorado for my first CORE! Excited, a little nervous, and looking forward to the experience!

Melisa is giving Abhainn a weekend pass from the training stable and is bringing him home so I can see him. It will be great to give him a huge hug and see how he's changed, now that he's a grown up boy and is carrying people on his back. What a star he is!

Soup, Anyone?

Boy, my dreamstate is working overtime. Had another one of those lesson dreams the other night. In this one, woohoo, I opened a restaurant. This is great; I love to eat.

In my dream, there were long tables with dozens of medium-sized containers of soup, all waiting to be heated up and served to an unsuspecting public. The space was ready for customers, I had all my ducks (er, soups) in a row, so I opened the doors, and in they came.

We had different kinds of soup. People placed their orders. Then they had to wait. And wait. and WAIT. Oh my, I didn't have anyone to help me - how could I heat up the soup (which was still frozen, oh NOOOO!), take their payment, and keep them happy until they were served?

In the dream, it was all too much, too soon. Too many choices, too much waiting, not enough preparation. I realized I would have to regroup. I decided to simplify and offer a soup and sandwich combo of the day. People would come in, pay, get their soup/sandwich, and sit down to enjoy it. They would bus their table when done. Very smooth, very easy. There are lots of customers out there; the ones who wanted what I had to offer on that particular day would come to my store. The rest would go elsewhere, and there was plenty for everybody.

What I learned: Be prepared. Know your audience. Be flexible, and keep it simple. Also, there's an abundance of everything!

Amazingly, I still like soup.

Resistance is Futile

How to explain without making this a novel?

Let me sum up: At my day job, I got an email I didn't want to deal with, 'cos it would mean work for me if I did. Other people were addressed on the email; let them help!

I let it sit.

Then I deleted it.

I did some other stuff.

I couldn't stand how I felt - I was avoiding helping this person out 'cos it would cause ME work? And work I wasn't really sure how to do, which was the bite factor. How lame.

I dug the email out of the trash and responded to it, asking a couple of questions and deciding that if the work came to me, I'd figure it out and then next time I'd know how to do it. What a concept!

Then, a miracle happened. Because I let go of my attitude and was wiling to serve, I got let off the hook! The problem was solved before it even became a problem. Everybody happy.

I am especially happy because I decided to take responsibility and be vulnerable in my not knowing. I still don't know how to solve this particular problem, but the next time one came in that I wasn't sure about, I jumped on it.

Old dogs CAN learn new tricks.

Oprah and Houses

What the heck is Oprah doing in my dreams? I've been experiencing some bizarre nighttime adventures, and I don't think they have anything to do with having a bowl of yogurt and blueberries before heading off to slumberland.

Oprah only starred in one of my two recent dreams, but it was a doozy. She was working for the same major corporation as I, in a leadership role that affected me. She told me I lived too far away from the company, and I should sell my property and move closer to Seattle, and my job. She was nice about it, but I got the feeling that if I didn't comply, my job could become....no longer my job.

The other dream also had to do with changing residences, again moving out of the country and closer to the city. Since living in "the city" would be a 24-hour nightmare for me, and since I rarely remember my dreams, I interpreted the fact that these two back-to-back mind ramblings really stuck with me as a sign that I needed to consider what I'm trying to tell myself.

I remember musing in the Oprah dream about what moving closer to "the job" would mean. It would mean giving up everything I have right now that will support me in my new career - acreage, horses, a barn, an arena, a round pen, and the room to grow. It didn't feel good, I remember that so clearly. I was conflicted. Notice that I wasn't really concerned about losing my current job, just that I would have to give up the things I love that will be a part of my new career.

When I finally woke up, my mind was racing. The commute to my current job (with a major corporation in downtown Seattle) is long, two hours one way, and involves cars, trains and shuttles. It's a big chunk out of the day. However, it's worth it to live where we are, on this little piece of heaven on earth, where as I type this I'm watching deer eat grass right outside my office window.

I don't think the dream was about the commute, though. I've been doing that for 10 years. I think it was about CHANGE. Not just about moving down the path to a new future and the fear that engenders in me. It had to do with how it's going to get done. If this had been a year ago, two years ago, I think I might have jumped at the idea of doing the safe thing. But now, I can see that the future I'm envisioning for myself is a real possibility, and the only one who can screw it up is me. Big, scary stuff.

What hit me, though, is that I'm not in this by myself. I can see that the support and guidance and the community we're building is what is going to keep me going. I'm not used to the concept of a village. I came from a Midwest family who always went it alone. The path I'm on now requires that I keep moving out of my comfort zone of MeMyselfAndI and trust, trust, trust that all will be well, and my support team will actually SUPPORT me. ME. Wow. And I get to support them, too. Double WoW.

What better messenger than that rags-to-riches queen of community, Oprah, to bring this to my attention? Thanks, sister. I needed that.

It's all about the Business Plan

BIIIG project happening - writing my business plan! Ulp. Guess I'd better figure out just what it is this business is about. Will definitely be a LLC.

I will say this, though - the modules we studied about business planning and the business plan itself were the most clear I've ever encountered. There is a form to follow, too, based on the class content. My understanding is clearer than ever.

The training was super understandable - but is it because I'm finally ready to hear the words?

Everything happens in the perfect order and at the perfect time - business plan, here I come!

My very own Space

The other day I published my website, www.harmonysheartfarm.com. What a feeling! There's hardly anything there, and I still have to work with GoDaddy to make it an "official" rather than 'free" website, but it's up. I can put it on a business card. I've got a logo, a beautiful design done by my graphic artist friend, Karen Wegehenkel (www.wegehenkel.com). It's one more step on the road to my new career.

I'm going to have so much fun building out the website!

Growth Happens, even on Vacation

So of course, you know the rest of the story....

Here I am, on the beach! And let me get the name of said beach correct: It is Pololu, with apologies to my Hawaiian friends.

The Universe provided me with another wonderful analogy. The distance to the beach from where all my rumination took place was (drum roll, please) - about five minutes. I was almost there when I almost quit. All I had to do was get around one more corner. Then, just around that corner, the trail leveled out and before I knew it, I was at my destination. Sound familiar? I haven't got enough fingers for the number of times quitting wasn't "almost".

WooHOOOO, lesson learned, and what a blessing to learn it in such a gorgeous place.

Oh yeah - the trip back up? Piece 'o' CAKE.

Stop Pushing My Buttons! I'm on VACATION!

I'm on vacation. This is supposed to be fun; I'm not supposed to be sitting on a rock looking down on Popu'u Beach, warring with myself.

So, here's what happened. We went for a drive to check out the Popu'u Valley overlook. Right at the end of the overlook, there's a trail, so we decided to go for a "little walk".

I'm wearing a skirt. Shoes made for posture, not necessarily for walking down a steep, stony trail. Carrying my PURSE, which is the size of Montana. No water. And I have to pee. Were we prepared for a hike, or what?

We're about halfway down the trail to the beach, maybe more. It's steep, it's windy, and very rocky. There's a sheer dropoff - of COURSE there's a sheer dropoff; this is the side of a mountain.

So, what am I warring about? Part of me wants to go all the way down to the beach just to prove I can do it. The other part of me, the part that is wearing a skirt, has no water and has to pee, knows it will take us three times as long to get back to the top as it did to get where we are right now, and it's already 2:30. It's sunny and hot. Did I mention I'm wearing the wrong shoes?


Then I started looking at this in terms of running a business. There it is, the "finish line", as it were. I can see it and feel it. However, if I go there right now, unprepared for the really tough part, getting back to the summit, will I prevail? Yes, I probably would, and I would also be exhausted, possibly sick, and seriously disinclined to try for the summit again.

What to do? Regroup, research, and be prepared for the (known) tough stuff? Or shoulder on regardless? I'm sure there will be times when despite all my best efforts to be prepared, I won't be. And then what?

Man, I hate it when I get all introspective on the side of a mountain....

The Healing Herd

With River gone to Melisa, my healing herd is now five mares (in order of age): Willow, Wilma, Zimi, Marieh and Lili. They are as diverse as the people I am sure they will be serving. As time goes on I'll talk about all of them, but today I just had to share something I saw the other morning that touched my heart in a special way. (And I wish I had had my camera handy! MUST carry it at all times!)

Being just nine months old, Lili has a lot of energy and loves to play. River was just starting to be her playmate, and now he has gone on to his next adventure, so Lili is at loose ends. Or so I thought....

The other morning I saw Lili tearing it up in our large pasture and right behind her was - WILMA! Her Grandma, mother of Lili's sire Patric, has stepped up to the challenge of entertaining a young filly. Wilma, 20 years old, kicking and bucking and chasing Lili in circles around the pasture.

Wilma is constantly showing me how we can be ourselves and still show up in so many different ways. Sage, companion, gentle purveyor of empathy and listening, and now, 2-year old! Yep, just take the zero off her age, and that's my girl, playing with her granddaughter with all the love and enthusiasm in her huge heart. What an inspiration this mare is!