Things happen for a reason. That’s why I wrote about our mare losing her foal. I never saw the foal, James, when he was alive, except for his forelegs. I felt up along his legs and touched his body in an effort to find his head and get it turned so he could be born. And while we waited for the vet, I stroked those little legs and somehow, we bonded.
I didn’t realize how strong that bond was until yesterday. I thought I had had my good cry and was doing fine. Until I talked with an almost-stranger about the event, and started losing it in front of her. She, wise woman, understands about broken hearts. I don’t think I really did until that moment, and that I had spent a lifetime keeping my heart hidden from myself, and from others.
The short time I spent with James ripped my heart from my chest and opened it wide to every person, every animal, every relationship I had ever lived. It HURTS when one trusts another’s words and the other changes their mind, or their life changes, or they go away. I never realized how my unthinking tromping had affected the beings I let go. When that love is real, it burns. It scorches, and in the end, it tempers one, if one is paying attention, into a better person. I’m finally paying attention.
Oh, yes, James did a huge piece of work with me in his short little life. There is NO WAY I could do the work I’m planning to do without having walked this path with him. I know there is more scorching and burning ahead before he and his mother, Marieh, are through with me, and I will go willingly, knowing that these are lessons I need to learn and embrace. Why did I name my company Harmony’s Heart if I was not willing to pay that price?
Heart wide open.
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